5) Cancer Journey – Stay In The Present

By Lisa Salvatore

In January, my anxiety was so strong I felt as if I was going to jump out of my skin. It was that time of year when I have to get scans and have blood tests to confirm I am cancer free. “Scanxiety” they call it. With a rising blood tumor marker my anxiety was through the roof. Covid numbers were rising while my 401K was decreasing. Everything was off, out of balance!

I wasn’t having a panic attack. I was anxious all the time, hyper aware of everything. If someone talked to me, I’d jump a bit or burst into tears. My stomach was in knots. I was doing my best to get through the day. If naps or meditation didn’t work, I’d resort to a Xanax, a pot gummy or brandy in my tea. While I do not do those things on a regular basis, I was desperate.

One friend told me, “ Don’t always assume the worst. Don’t go there”.

My oldest brother told me not to worry about things I cannot control.

My other brother told me to stay away from the internet.

My sister suggested prayer and positive affirmations.

As my coach Kristal says, anxiety is fear and worry about the future, depression is over the past. One way to combat both is to stay present, in the moment.

This was all good advice, but I couldn’t seem to shift my focus.

I’ve been stuck waiting for test results before and there is no way to predict what will happen. I’ve gone in for a cough and come out with Stage IV Fallopian Tube cancer. I’ve done extra scans for spots on my liver, waiting days to find out they were nothing. I’ve gone in for chemo feeling great only to be sent home because blood counts were low. I’ve worried about a lump on my skin or breast only to have it be normal. I do not have a “gut” feeling about this stuff anymore. It feels like a crap shoot. It is all in God’s hands. ^[a]

I exercised, walked with friends and rode my exercise bike. I did my dance video.  I meditated, twice or three times a day.  I prayed, on my own or at church.  I prayed with my Priest, my Deacon and church friends.  I had many people pray for me.  I cried and cried some more.  I slept.  I’d like to say I was eating healthy, but I had trouble eating at all.  I did stay hydrated, drinking plenty of water.  I texted and called family and friends.  

I watched mindless TV.  During my chemo treatment it was Game of Thrones.  For this waiting period, it was Ted Lasso.  The show did not disappoint. I loved it and it swept me away.  I highly recommend it if you haven’t seen it. 

I read Philippians 4: 4 – 8 over and over and prayed for God’s peace.

Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Somehow I made it through. I’m not sure which tool worked best. It probably was the combination all of them, working together. Scans were clear. Tumor marker was a high number for me but still in the normal range.

Now I am here again, waiting. My blood test number is very high this time. It jumped 100 points in 3 months. Scans will be scheduled in the next two weeks. Time to break out the Toolbox!! I’ve had a lot of practice now! I’m praying for grace as I live in the present and take life one step at a time.

Here are two of the guided meditations I use often.  

Click here for my coach Kristal’s Body Scan Meditation.

Another one I use is A Guided Meditation to Support a Healthy Immune System, by Belleruth Naparstek. I listen to it on Audible.

I am grateful for all my tools.

What tools do you use to help with anxiety? To stay present! I am open to suggestions!

Finding the Ability to stay present.

Lisa’s Beautycounter Spotlight Product

When I am feeling bit blah, I like to pamper myself. One way is with a refreshing exfoliating mask. It makes my skin feel so smooth afterwards. It picks my spirit right up to know I am doing something for me. Our Reflect Effect AHA-Smoothing Facial Mask hits the spot. Apply it to your face and leave it on for 10 minutes. Use it up to twice a week. Do not use it on the same day as the Overnight Resurfacing Peel.

You can’t really see it on my face, but don’t I look relaxed? There are little bamboo particles in the gel for extra exfoliation!