Here it is, the blog post from the viewpoint of my daughter Alice. It is still hard for me to think about the impact my cancer journey has had on her, and still has on her. It makes my heart ache. But I do know she was and is loved through the process by family and friends and she is supported by her faith. All of that warms my heart.
By Alice Maricela Salvatore
It takes a two minute and forty six second phone call for your life to change. It was like time stopped and everything around me was in slow motion. How could this happen? My mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2019. My mind was full of questions and thoughts, and the fear of not knowing what was going to happen. I could tell you what happened as if it was yesterday, because it’s something I will never be able to forget. It started off as a cough; it wasn’t supposed to be anything serious, until it was. This was supposed to be MY year. The year that I worked on myself, on my mental health, and striving to be a better person. How could I do that when my focus was on my mom being sick?
It’s just me and my mom, it always has been. I was adopted when I was 11 months old, so as long as I can remember it’s been us against the rest of the world. My uncle has always been like a father figure to me, and when it all happened he stepped up. He drove her to all her appointments and checked on us constantly. I mean, he was ALWAYS one call away. It was nice knowing we had him. It was dreadful being home and at first I didn’t want to be there at all. I spent my days at school, and my nights at a friend’s house. Home didn’t feel like home anymore; being there made me sad, angry and scared. The more I was out, the longer I’d forget about what was actually going on. I liked forgetting, because for those little moments I was myself again. The next month consisted of endless doctors appointments, and the start of chemo, and as much as it sucked, it became our new norm.
That went on for four months, and they were probably the longest months of my life. There were times where I wanted to just break down and scream. She had her good days and bad days. The chemo was working, and her surgery was scheduled for the end of July. I spent two weeks jumping from different friends’ houses while she had the surgery, followed by rehab. I cried a lot during those two weeks; it felt good to finally let myself feel something. I wanted my mom, I wanted things to go back to the way they used to be. It was the same for a while, but slowly, things did change. Fewer appointments, no more chemo. I was starting to feel like myself again, and so was she.
I’ve always struggled with talking about my feelings and asking for help. I’m the type of person to just cry it out and move on. But if I could tell you one thing I’ve learned from this experience, it’s that, it’s okay to not be okay. If you talked to 2019 Alice, she’d put her feelings and needs aside, and worry about others first, instead of herself. But our feelings are valid, and there is absolutely no shame in feeling a certain way. There is nothing wrong with asking for help; you shouldn’t have to struggle or go through things alone. And I learned that leaning on friends and family is okay. As hard as this experience was, it taught me so much about myself, and life itself. Life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns and fairies. Life got tough, but it wasn’t something I couldn’t handle. Although I envisioned the year to be a time to reflect on myself, it was focused on my mom. However I did learn a lot about myself. It’s now two years later, and I’m proud of my mom, for kicking cancer’s butt, and me, for making it this far without giving up. It wasn’t easy, but, we did it, we made it.
Finding the ability to make it! We made it!
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